Doubt

Sometimes I forget how far I have gotten, and I think that's because I never give myself enough credit. I think a lot of us genuinely don't. We sometimes feel so far ahead and plan our next move, trip, appointment- anything that continues to motivate us to a new day, better day, or to maneuver because some of us can't stop moving. Maybe it's the thought of doubt or failure. Perhaps it's the thought that if we slow down, we will be behind. Perhaps it's the thought that if we know our next move, we wouldn't have to worry about what might come our way, and at least if we have control, we know that it is on us and not the influence of others or the outside world. At least we know that we can control some shape or form of our lives, and I think we believe that this is something we must do. But being transparent, it's not.

We sometimes forget that we have to take our time and enjoy the little things in life. We are so into the future that we don't even appreciate how far we've come in the present day and time. The doubt and need for continuing reassurance stop us from being appreciative of the things that set us apart from others or even ourselves. I even have my doubts to this day, especially with this blog. I haven't blogged in a while, and I think it was because I didn't feel like I would reach an audience that even cared about what I would write about. I had doubts about how influential I could be in my writing, but most importantly, how I didn't think I would even be a great writer. I think it came from professionals telling me that my writing was shit, or the fact that some of my closest mentors showed me such great positivity in my writing and influence that later on was a mirror to be hateful and spitefulness of a vision I didn't even know I had.

Let me tell you about doubt... It will only get you so far till you are fed up with it. It will only get you so far because the only person that truly believes in you is you. I left this blog because I felt like I didn't have it in me to write again, and I kept listening to the negativity around me until I was tired of listening to it. Until it was time for me to realize that sooner or later, I am enough for me, and my writing is enough for me. In the summer of 2019, I submitted a manuscript hoping to be accepted and published in a medical journal. I offered it with confidence because I decided that my writing was good. The journal rejected that same manuscript, and let me tell you. I cried like a baby. I believed in sinking into a pity hole because I started to accept the reality of those same people who doubted me. However, then I continued to pick up more research in my field of study for psychology and mental health, and I worked with some professionals in oncology and cancer research. I wrote information within the data and psychological knowledge we have obtained and submitted it to another mentor who liked my idea of mental health outcomes post-cancer.

I didn't believe he liked it. I always thought he was exciting my head up or my ego, but he told me to keep writing, and with permission, he would get with other researchers to edit and add to the data set and characteristics of my research, and he did just that. Fast forward, he reached out to me within a month as they continuously added to my study and wrote on the detailed data that pertained to my research. He told me after his final review (and it was ALOT) that he and the rest of his team would submit the manuscript on behalf of the hospital I was working for at the time. It is 2022, and I recently got the news that that same manuscript got accepted. I went from crying like a fat baby to smiling. The doubt went away, not because I told it to go away, but I had someone to motivate me and saw something in me that I knew deep down that I had but never really acknowledged. The doubt that made me feel guilty and sad for wanting to be a better writer went away because I kept going. I kept writing because that rejection led me to want to be better. That rejection had to break me down before I got back up. That rejection taught me that waiting is okay, and my time will come.

We keep thinking about what we have to plan and don't realize that maybe it's time for us to slow down. Perhaps it's time to take in what's happening around us, so we can mentally and physically accept our faith. Don't rush the process, and don't worry about the next thing or the next move. Focus on what you're doing now because that will help you with your next move. That will determine the path to take, and do this without a doubt in the world. Sometimes it just takes a leap of faith.